Bitterness

I will admit it freely. I am bitter. I am angry. I am frustrated.

I "take it out" on other people in my life when I can't manage my anxiety any longer. It's not their fault, of course, that I was betrayed by people I loved. It's not their responsibility that I am so overwhelmed by the tug-of-war between perfectionism and my actual abilities, beliefs, and actions, to the point that every aspect of my life has become difficult. Many of them are not even aware that I'm trying to redefine myself in the midst of my graduate school preparations. Yet, that is where I am, and with that much on my mind, it is really easy to "lose my cool" and "lash out." So, if you are someone I have offended in my angst, I am truly sorry.

As I have eluded to before, Facebook make me especially angry. Constantly, people are becoming engaged, married, and having babies. Sometimes it makes me cry. Every once in a while, I get a sharply reminded of the way my ex and my friend hurt me when I see messages in which they communicate their affections in the public forum. That stings like salt in a wound, to use another cliche.

I think about my history with various people I have known over the years, and am, frankly, a little shocked to see them take on roles of dedication, exclusivity, and responsibility as spouses and parents and homeowners. I am anxious and ready to move on in my life, but at the same time, I am still young. Maybe it's good to not be engaged hastily, to not be settled down, to still have the world at my feet and the freedom to go where I please. Maybe love and commitment is more sincere when there is no obligation for either partner to love or even to stay; it's a daily choice, made completely freely.

While I'm still just a little jealous of what other people have-pets and homes and families and promises- perhaps what I have is better for me right now. I have the eager expectation of these things, some sooner than others. In the meantime, I am free to figure out who I am and where I am going. I suppose there is no need to be bitter, or feel deprived of opportunity.

I merely wish I didn't have to figure it out with 50 other little things on my mind.