I've been crying a lot today. I hate everyone with all their happiness. Their engagement rings. Their wedding photos. Their babies. Their puppies and kittens. Their confidence. Their jobs. Hate them all. Hate them so much.
I feel like a failure. I see no reason to try anymore, as I am clearly never going to live up to everybody's expectations. I quit.
And no one cares because no one reads this anyway.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
When it's you
I find it odd how conservative religious Americans (and, really, all people everywhere) stigmatize certain states, conditions, and identities. Frequently, these conditions are things over which that the people who possess them have no control, yet they are judged and valued based on them. An African-American woman does not choose to be black or a female, nor does a gay man choose to be attracted to men. A man of Middle Eastern descent does not choose to be labeled as an "Arab" or even mistakenly a "terrorist." A person with a sexually transmitted infection did not choose to be infected or infect others. A physically handicapped person did not choose their disability. Why should people be ostracized for things beyond their control?
Even conditions that are acquired by choice are frequently ones based around a single event or period in life, and may in no way reflect the person as they are today. A woman who became pregnant as a teen and had an abortion may now be a happy, loving mother of four; she is certainly not a viscous murderer. Someone who was jailed for drugs early in life may now be the sweetest, kindest, and most generous person you know, just trying to make a living in this world. An ex-warrior may now live a quiet life with his or her family. A high school drop out may be intelligent and may be trained on the job for a high-salary employment, all because someone gave him or her a chance. People are no more the result of a single, albeit life-altering, decision any more than a person can be defined based on race, gender, ethnicity, sexual orientation, health status, or disability status.
Come judgement day, it may be found that an atheist was the most moral, and a Christian was the most cruel. What I fail to understand is why we all, regardless of our accidents of birth and choices in life, cannot simply accept and respect one another.
It's easy to condemn people whose state is due to their choices. But, trust me, it's different when it's you.
Even conditions that are acquired by choice are frequently ones based around a single event or period in life, and may in no way reflect the person as they are today. A woman who became pregnant as a teen and had an abortion may now be a happy, loving mother of four; she is certainly not a viscous murderer. Someone who was jailed for drugs early in life may now be the sweetest, kindest, and most generous person you know, just trying to make a living in this world. An ex-warrior may now live a quiet life with his or her family. A high school drop out may be intelligent and may be trained on the job for a high-salary employment, all because someone gave him or her a chance. People are no more the result of a single, albeit life-altering, decision any more than a person can be defined based on race, gender, ethnicity, sexual orientation, health status, or disability status.
Come judgement day, it may be found that an atheist was the most moral, and a Christian was the most cruel. What I fail to understand is why we all, regardless of our accidents of birth and choices in life, cannot simply accept and respect one another.
It's easy to condemn people whose state is due to their choices. But, trust me, it's different when it's you.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Bitterness
I will admit it freely. I am bitter. I am angry. I am frustrated.
I "take it out" on other people in my life when I can't manage my anxiety any longer. It's not their fault, of course, that I was betrayed by people I loved. It's not their responsibility that I am so overwhelmed by the tug-of-war between perfectionism and my actual abilities, beliefs, and actions, to the point that every aspect of my life has become difficult. Many of them are not even aware that I'm trying to redefine myself in the midst of my graduate school preparations. Yet, that is where I am, and with that much on my mind, it is really easy to "lose my cool" and "lash out." So, if you are someone I have offended in my angst, I am truly sorry.
As I have eluded to before, Facebook make me especially angry. Constantly, people are becoming engaged, married, and having babies. Sometimes it makes me cry. Every once in a while, I get a sharply reminded of the way my ex and my friend hurt me when I see messages in which they communicate their affections in the public forum. That stings like salt in a wound, to use another cliche.
I think about my history with various people I have known over the years, and am, frankly, a little shocked to see them take on roles of dedication, exclusivity, and responsibility as spouses and parents and homeowners. I am anxious and ready to move on in my life, but at the same time, I am still young. Maybe it's good to not be engaged hastily, to not be settled down, to still have the world at my feet and the freedom to go where I please. Maybe love and commitment is more sincere when there is no obligation for either partner to love or even to stay; it's a daily choice, made completely freely.
While I'm still just a little jealous of what other people have-pets and homes and families and promises- perhaps what I have is better for me right now. I have the eager expectation of these things, some sooner than others. In the meantime, I am free to figure out who I am and where I am going. I suppose there is no need to be bitter, or feel deprived of opportunity.
I merely wish I didn't have to figure it out with 50 other little things on my mind.
I "take it out" on other people in my life when I can't manage my anxiety any longer. It's not their fault, of course, that I was betrayed by people I loved. It's not their responsibility that I am so overwhelmed by the tug-of-war between perfectionism and my actual abilities, beliefs, and actions, to the point that every aspect of my life has become difficult. Many of them are not even aware that I'm trying to redefine myself in the midst of my graduate school preparations. Yet, that is where I am, and with that much on my mind, it is really easy to "lose my cool" and "lash out." So, if you are someone I have offended in my angst, I am truly sorry.
As I have eluded to before, Facebook make me especially angry. Constantly, people are becoming engaged, married, and having babies. Sometimes it makes me cry. Every once in a while, I get a sharply reminded of the way my ex and my friend hurt me when I see messages in which they communicate their affections in the public forum. That stings like salt in a wound, to use another cliche.
I think about my history with various people I have known over the years, and am, frankly, a little shocked to see them take on roles of dedication, exclusivity, and responsibility as spouses and parents and homeowners. I am anxious and ready to move on in my life, but at the same time, I am still young. Maybe it's good to not be engaged hastily, to not be settled down, to still have the world at my feet and the freedom to go where I please. Maybe love and commitment is more sincere when there is no obligation for either partner to love or even to stay; it's a daily choice, made completely freely.
While I'm still just a little jealous of what other people have-pets and homes and families and promises- perhaps what I have is better for me right now. I have the eager expectation of these things, some sooner than others. In the meantime, I am free to figure out who I am and where I am going. I suppose there is no need to be bitter, or feel deprived of opportunity.
I merely wish I didn't have to figure it out with 50 other little things on my mind.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Coming Out... maybe
On Tuesdays, I go to counseling. It's a pretty big deal, or so it seems on Monday night and Tuesday morning before I leave the apartment. I am honestly scared to death, not sure what to expect, or what I might say or do or think during or afterwards. Tomorrow is an especially big counseling session, because my counselor and I are going to talk about whether or not it is the right time to "come out" as an atheist and a liberal to my parents.
I'll be honest: I'm really sick of pretending to be someone I am not, and surely they must already know to a degree. It kills me. I have been a liar to them for the past 3-4 years, and with only a little time left before I really embark on my own, I want them to know and love the real me. I want my boyfriend and I to be able to post pictures of our first apartment (hopefully sometime in June or July!) and our first pet on our social media pages and no one be shocked, scandalized, or disappointed. I want little gifts for our first home and advice on starting our lives together from both our parents, not just his. I don't want to invent a huge charade of a lie for my parents so that won't know my guy lives with me. I don't want to have to be super selective with everything I choose to say to them about my new life just to avoid being forsaken. I want to be real for once.
On the other hand, I'm not sure it is the right time to come out. If they were to disown me tomorrow, I would still have a lot to lose: my sisters, my brother, my vehicle and car insurance, health insurance, participation in the family plan for cell coverage, and a place to stay in the late spring and early summer until I move to my first real-world apartment, not to mention some personal belongings and memorabilia stored at their house, as well as my sense of belonging and well-being. If I can just hold off until summer, I will have a lot less at stake.
After tomorrow, I may have a better idea of what course of action is best for me.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
The Ballad of John and Yoko by The Beatles
"Christ, you know it ain't easy
You know how hard it can be.
The way things are going,
They're gonna crucify me."
- The Ballad of John and Yoko by The Beatles
You know how hard it can be.
The way things are going,
They're gonna crucify me."
- The Ballad of John and Yoko by The Beatles
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Murphy's Law
So, the universe has it out for me today, and it's clearly personal because it's a series of insignificant first-world problems designed specifically to annoy me. The saga began yesterday, when my Mom told me via Facebook message that she and my dad would always love and accept me, and that I would always be welcome in their home. That message, and trying to decide if that unconditional love applied to every circumstance or merely the hypothetical circumstance in which I may bring an exotic pet home for the holidays, left me so emotionally drained I spent most of the day crying or watching videos of cute animals.
As such, nothing on my to-do list was accomplished, so I woke up this morning with a lot to do.
With much to do and very little time, and with my guy already gone to work, I go out to my truck. It doesn't start. Great. Stranded at my boyfriend's house until he gets home from work and can jump me so I can get the car somewhere to have someone look at it for the second time, as this problem was already supposed to be fixed. And, as I couldn't leave, I couldn't put on clean clothes or shave or get lunch or be tempted to buy a pet, etc.
Assigned to my fate, I sat down to work on graduate school stuff. My laptop battery randomly stops charging for no reason. I check every connection and every outlet. I restart the piece of junk. No luck; it still won't change. Unless there's something obvious I overlooked, it appears I may have get my laptop worked on and/or replace the charger. So now you know what I can't do? Work on graduate school stuff. I am now on my boyfriend's computer (which, for the first time EVER, did not ask me for a password, a stroke of good luck since I have no idea what the password is) ranting to the world because I am flustered.
Maybe I should just go back to bed...
As such, nothing on my to-do list was accomplished, so I woke up this morning with a lot to do.
With much to do and very little time, and with my guy already gone to work, I go out to my truck. It doesn't start. Great. Stranded at my boyfriend's house until he gets home from work and can jump me so I can get the car somewhere to have someone look at it for the second time, as this problem was already supposed to be fixed. And, as I couldn't leave, I couldn't put on clean clothes or shave or get lunch or be tempted to buy a pet, etc.
Assigned to my fate, I sat down to work on graduate school stuff. My laptop battery randomly stops charging for no reason. I check every connection and every outlet. I restart the piece of junk. No luck; it still won't change. Unless there's something obvious I overlooked, it appears I may have get my laptop worked on and/or replace the charger. So now you know what I can't do? Work on graduate school stuff. I am now on my boyfriend's computer (which, for the first time EVER, did not ask me for a password, a stroke of good luck since I have no idea what the password is) ranting to the world because I am flustered.
Maybe I should just go back to bed...
Friday, October 19, 2012
Goosefrahbah?
Today, I am dreading the immediate future. In a few short months, I will have completed my undergraduate degree and hopefully be starting graduate school somewhere on the other side of the country. When that time comes, I will be really embarking on the world on my own. I might choose to move in with my boyfriend, which will no doubt lead to an awkward conversation with my parents, and could, perhaps, lead to alienation from my entire family. I may also be forced to "come out" as an atheist to them, an encounter I've been avoiding since I would undoubtedly break their hearts. At least I would still have my awesome support network of fabulous friends...
This morning, a few of my colleagues were playfully "predicting the future" by rolling the dice. I wish it were all that simple. I wish I could just know things definitively, but I can't. I wish I would know with certainty where I'll be living in the fall or if I would get caught if I got myself a fuzzy pet (which is technically against my apartment's policy); little silly things perhaps, but in a sea of uncertainty, it would nice to just know.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
A Letter to Mitt Romney on Women and Pay Equality
Dear Mitt Romney,
I never want to be allocated to the "binders full of women," thank you very much. I do not want my gender, my race, my ethnicity, my martital status, my sexuality, etc. to be considered when I apply for any position. However, I am not against scholarships, awards, and other incentives set aside specifically for women and minorities in order to get underrepresented groups into certain fields and make them want to stay there.
That said, I want to be in the candidate binders, filled with men and women, whites, blacks, Filipinos, Mexicans, Italians, Germans, Chinese, Japanese, Koreans, Indians, Native Americans, Cubans, the physically disabled, veterans, single parents, gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transgender people etc. I want the quality of our work to decide who gets a position, certainly not an accident of birth, nor a living condition or life stage.
In the workplace, some individuals may need some special accommodations. But to assume all working mothers need to get home to make dinner for their children, clean the house, and take their children to soccer is, frankly, a little archaic. While I think you meant well in your discussion of women in the work place, Gov. Romney, you depicted patriarchy instead of equality.
Not to mention, you never actually addressed fair pay for women, just fair employment opportunities for women. These are not one and the same. If I do the same work as a man and all the accommodation I require is maternity leave instead of paternity leave, and maybe someone to walk me out to my car every once and a while if I stay at the office very late, how does that justify paying me less for the work I do? It doesn't. In many American households, women are the breadwinners. We deserve to be paid as the breadwinner like men were in the mid-twentieth century, and the President realizes that, one of many reasons I am reelecting Pres. Obama in 2012.
I never want to be allocated to the "binders full of women," thank you very much. I do not want my gender, my race, my ethnicity, my martital status, my sexuality, etc. to be considered when I apply for any position. However, I am not against scholarships, awards, and other incentives set aside specifically for women and minorities in order to get underrepresented groups into certain fields and make them want to stay there.
That said, I want to be in the candidate binders, filled with men and women, whites, blacks, Filipinos, Mexicans, Italians, Germans, Chinese, Japanese, Koreans, Indians, Native Americans, Cubans, the physically disabled, veterans, single parents, gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transgender people etc. I want the quality of our work to decide who gets a position, certainly not an accident of birth, nor a living condition or life stage.
In the workplace, some individuals may need some special accommodations. But to assume all working mothers need to get home to make dinner for their children, clean the house, and take their children to soccer is, frankly, a little archaic. While I think you meant well in your discussion of women in the work place, Gov. Romney, you depicted patriarchy instead of equality.
Not to mention, you never actually addressed fair pay for women, just fair employment opportunities for women. These are not one and the same. If I do the same work as a man and all the accommodation I require is maternity leave instead of paternity leave, and maybe someone to walk me out to my car every once and a while if I stay at the office very late, how does that justify paying me less for the work I do? It doesn't. In many American households, women are the breadwinners. We deserve to be paid as the breadwinner like men were in the mid-twentieth century, and the President realizes that, one of many reasons I am reelecting Pres. Obama in 2012.
Sincerely,
RecoveringChristian
RecoveringChristian
Sunday, October 14, 2012
I need to just delete my social media accounts!
Early Sunday morning (as in 4 a.m. local time), I found myself in a tent in the dark in the rain. After an hour of tossing and turning and waking my tentmate and failing to fall asleep, I reached up for my cell phone. I logged onto Facebook. In the past 24 hours since I last visited Facebook, three contacts had wed (an ex-boyfriend was the best man in one of the weddings), one contact had proposed to his girlfriend, one (wife of an ex-boyfriend)announced the gender of her baby to be born in the spring, and people still have their damn cute pets.
Seeing all these people taking all this big strides in their personal life makes me feel like a loser who needs to get my life together. Some nights, I wonder if I would be happier, feeling more accomplished and accepted by those who taught and raised me, if I had stuck with my faith. I know that if I had stuck to the "straight and narrow," I would be at least engaged by now. I wonder if I threw away my happiness instead of a seemingly oppressive belief system. On the other hand, I have no interest in weddings and babies, and I don't believe this dislike is purely rooted in bitterness, so perhaps things are working out for the best. I hope someday the whole slave-away-as-a-science-student-till-all-my-hair-falls-out leads to a fulfilling career and inner happiness, but I'm beginning to wonder...
So, to make myself feel better, I looked at pictures of chinchillas because chinchillas are adorable. Guess what I still don't have? A chinchilla. Or a cat or a dog or a rat or a mouse. I'm an adult. My whole world feels like it's moving on without me while I sell my soul to the graduate school gods, and I am not allowed have a pet (besides a beta or goldfish) because of my living situation. This is silly. I clearly need a psychiatrist to write me a prescription for a furry mammal.
Look at this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Chinchilla-Patchouli.jpg . It will make your whole day better, and you'll want a chinchilla prescription too!
Seeing all these people taking all this big strides in their personal life makes me feel like a loser who needs to get my life together. Some nights, I wonder if I would be happier, feeling more accomplished and accepted by those who taught and raised me, if I had stuck with my faith. I know that if I had stuck to the "straight and narrow," I would be at least engaged by now. I wonder if I threw away my happiness instead of a seemingly oppressive belief system. On the other hand, I have no interest in weddings and babies, and I don't believe this dislike is purely rooted in bitterness, so perhaps things are working out for the best. I hope someday the whole slave-away-as-a-science-student-till-all-my-hair-falls-out leads to a fulfilling career and inner happiness, but I'm beginning to wonder...
So, to make myself feel better, I looked at pictures of chinchillas because chinchillas are adorable. Guess what I still don't have? A chinchilla. Or a cat or a dog or a rat or a mouse. I'm an adult. My whole world feels like it's moving on without me while I sell my soul to the graduate school gods, and I am not allowed have a pet (besides a beta or goldfish) because of my living situation. This is silly. I clearly need a psychiatrist to write me a prescription for a furry mammal.
Look at this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Chinchilla-Patchouli.jpg . It will make your whole day better, and you'll want a chinchilla prescription too!
Thursday, October 11, 2012
If you are a self-aware human, you should vote Obama 2012
I have to admit, I am generally pretty amused when I see commercials talking about the evils of the "Obama-Pelosi agenda" and how Democrats "don't represent family values." Many Americans seem to think Republicans will look out for their interests. Ha!
Think about it (and check out the sources at the end since you shouldn't take my word for it):
People whom the Republican agenda* protects: white male Anglo-Saxon Protestants who make well over $100,000/yr, creationists, and unborn children (who, by the way, are less human and feel less pain than the chickens, pigs, and cows we torture in life and maim in death for the sake of our own gluttony). Republican policy taxes the poor and the middle class, and gives tax breaks to the rich. And that's just about all.
* By the Republican Party, I mean an awkward coalition of the religious right, nonreligious social ultraconservatives, and rich old men who will vote for Mitt Romney in 2012. With a pro-life, anti-evolution, and anti-gay rights platform, and with much superficially pro-business dialogue, the GOP can get well-meaning believers to vote for tax cuts for the rich, which, rather than resulting in trickle-down economics, instead makes the rich even richer and reduces the middle class.
Before I finish this rant, Mitt Romney is a flip-flop candidate. As late as 2005, he wasn't even pro-life; he switched his views for the 2008 presidential bid in order to win the religious right. He also doesn't care about the lower and middle class, or, at least his company doesn't. Much like Richard Gere in Pretty Woman, Bain Capital frequently runs other companies to the ground for their own profits. Bain Captial kills jobs, not makes jobs. A founder of Bain Capital is not a person I want running America.
Suggested coverage on both candidates: http://www.cnn.com/election/2012/candidates.html, http://www.foxnews.com/us/2012/09/10/obama-and-romney-where-stand-on-issues/, http://www.aljazeera.com/indepth/interactive/2012/09/20129308542614575.html
Suggested sources on Obama: http://www.barackobama.com/issues/, http://www.ontheissues.org/barack_obama.htm, http://www.whitehouse.gov/record
Suggested sources on Romney: http://www.mittromney.com/issues, www.ontheissues.org/mitt_romney.htm, http://votesmart.org/candidate/21942/mitt-romney#.UHdJ_xVG9IF, http://thinkprogress.org/lgbt/2012/01/26/412538/romney-accuses-obama-of-waging-an-assault-on-religion-undermining-religious-conscience-protections/,
Suggested sources on Bain Capital: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bain_Capital, http://www.washingtonpost.com/business/economy/romneys-bain-capital-record-shows-mixed-record-on-bankruptcies/2011/12/13/gIQANksluO_story.html, http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2011-07-20/romney-as-job-creator-clashes-with-bain-record-of-job-cuts.html
Suggested coverage on both candidates: http://www.cnn.com/election/2012/candidates.html, http://www.foxnews.com/us/2012/09/10/obama-and-romney-where-stand-on-issues/, http://www.aljazeera.com/indepth/interactive/2012/09/20129308542614575.html
Suggested sources on Obama: http://www.barackobama.com/issues/, http://www.ontheissues.org/barack_obama.htm, http://www.whitehouse.gov/record
Suggested sources on Romney: http://www.mittromney.com/issues, www.ontheissues.org/mitt_romney.htm, http://votesmart.org/candidate/21942/mitt-romney#.UHdJ_xVG9IF, http://thinkprogress.org/lgbt/2012/01/26/412538/romney-accuses-obama-of-waging-an-assault-on-religion-undermining-religious-conscience-protections/,
Suggested sources on Bain Capital: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bain_Capital, http://www.washingtonpost.com/business/economy/romneys-bain-capital-record-shows-mixed-record-on-bankruptcies/2011/12/13/gIQANksluO_story.html, http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2011-07-20/romney-as-job-creator-clashes-with-bain-record-of-job-cuts.html
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
An introduction
Hello world. I have opened this blog primarily to rant about stuff, because I have many things about which I rant.
The story begins four short years ago. I was an over-zealous evangelical protestant Christian, which is praiseworthy in my hometown. I had memorized the vast majority of the New Testament, and I still know passages by heart. Nevertheless, I was secretly fascinated with evolution. I was pro-comprehensive sex ed, and was flip-flopping between radical pro-life and more-or-less pro-choice. Many of my friends were sexually active, closet gay, drank, smoked weed, and so on, essentially people with which I was always taught not to make my inner friend group, but nevertheless the people with whom I connected. It bothered me that I never "felt" anything when I prayed, but I was so devoted to God with my emotions, I ignored my rational doubts. Desperate to "feel God's leading" and "follow God's will" for my life, I then deceived myself into thinking God had spoken to me and told me to marry my boyfriend at the time (it honestly might have been a self-inflicted auditory hallucination), and all was well and good in the world. That is, until I moved away from home.
Then, I started taking science, psychology, and philosophy classes. I fell in love with evolution, geologic time, and rational thinking. I had a bout of clinical depression, which shook the very core of my belief system. I began to realize my youth pastor boyfriend (almost my fiance) and I weren't meant to be after all, but the relationship ultimately broke over a year later when I found out he slept with one of my friends. As he faded out of the picture, I found myself finally free.
I tried church once or twice after he was gone, but I found it empty and sorrowful. Organized religion, I began to see for the first time, is based on total, constant, irreconcilable guilt combined with a need to make right with the creator or face eternity in hell. Certainly, such guilt should be felt for things like murder, theft, rape, etc., but for having romantic feelings someone of the same gender? For killing a bundle of cells in the womb that happen to have different DNA, but can feel no pain and have no self-knowledge? For having sexual relations with someone you love and to whom you are committed, but have not married? For believing in the Big Bang and the inorganic arrival of life by pure chance over an estimated time of 500 million years, and the evolution from the simplest prokaryotes to modern humans over the next 4 billion years by a combination of natural selection and species sorting?
So here I am today, a Recovering Christian as one friend called me once, on the verge of really embarking on my own for the first time, yet still struggling with the remnants from my old life and old faith. I'm going to move somewhere- no clue where- to pursue graduate study. I want to do a thesis in abiogenesis in academia as a career, something I'm sure my parents won't enjoy, but it's pretty much the coolest mystery of all time. I think I have what it takes to make it in astrobiology and Hadean/Archean geology, but the conflict with my family and my roots is ever-present.
Soon after the split with Mr. Youth Pastor, I began a new relationship with a science major who is the son of hippies. He loves me sincerely and unconditionally, and he thinks much like I do. Unlike my own family, I can be honest and open with his family; I can let down my guard and be myself. I can open a beer with his mom and talk politics, science, clothes, music, or whatever. Moreover, this guy respects me, something I have found to be very rare in young men. When I move again in the summer, I want him to move in with me, something my parents have made it very clear is utterly impermissible. When I was very young and a close relative "came out of the closet" about her sexual orientation, my parents prohibited her from seeing me except on major holidays. I fear that, if they find out I'm "living in sin," they will distance me from my siblings, who are still minors. Yet, he will not marry me before he lives with me and before he establishes his own scientific career, and I, frankly, have no desire for a wedding at this stage.
At the same time as all this inner turmoil, my Facebook homepage is littered with photos of my exes and my acquaintances with fuzzy little puppies, or wearing big ol' diamond rings, or walking down the aisle in white, or showing off their new apartments and rental homes, or, worst of all, ultrasounds and baby pictures of their newest additions. Honest to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, seeing all this (and knowing all my cousins were engaged by the time they were my age) makes me feel like a bit of a failure in my tiny apartment that won't even let me have a cat. With no immediate prospect of a spouse and no church attendance for the past year and a half, I wonder if my parents think me a heathen too. Sometimes I do.
The story begins four short years ago. I was an over-zealous evangelical protestant Christian, which is praiseworthy in my hometown. I had memorized the vast majority of the New Testament, and I still know passages by heart. Nevertheless, I was secretly fascinated with evolution. I was pro-comprehensive sex ed, and was flip-flopping between radical pro-life and more-or-less pro-choice. Many of my friends were sexually active, closet gay, drank, smoked weed, and so on, essentially people with which I was always taught not to make my inner friend group, but nevertheless the people with whom I connected. It bothered me that I never "felt" anything when I prayed, but I was so devoted to God with my emotions, I ignored my rational doubts. Desperate to "feel God's leading" and "follow God's will" for my life, I then deceived myself into thinking God had spoken to me and told me to marry my boyfriend at the time (it honestly might have been a self-inflicted auditory hallucination), and all was well and good in the world. That is, until I moved away from home.
Then, I started taking science, psychology, and philosophy classes. I fell in love with evolution, geologic time, and rational thinking. I had a bout of clinical depression, which shook the very core of my belief system. I began to realize my youth pastor boyfriend (almost my fiance) and I weren't meant to be after all, but the relationship ultimately broke over a year later when I found out he slept with one of my friends. As he faded out of the picture, I found myself finally free.
I tried church once or twice after he was gone, but I found it empty and sorrowful. Organized religion, I began to see for the first time, is based on total, constant, irreconcilable guilt combined with a need to make right with the creator or face eternity in hell. Certainly, such guilt should be felt for things like murder, theft, rape, etc., but for having romantic feelings someone of the same gender? For killing a bundle of cells in the womb that happen to have different DNA, but can feel no pain and have no self-knowledge? For having sexual relations with someone you love and to whom you are committed, but have not married? For believing in the Big Bang and the inorganic arrival of life by pure chance over an estimated time of 500 million years, and the evolution from the simplest prokaryotes to modern humans over the next 4 billion years by a combination of natural selection and species sorting?
So here I am today, a Recovering Christian as one friend called me once, on the verge of really embarking on my own for the first time, yet still struggling with the remnants from my old life and old faith. I'm going to move somewhere- no clue where- to pursue graduate study. I want to do a thesis in abiogenesis in academia as a career, something I'm sure my parents won't enjoy, but it's pretty much the coolest mystery of all time. I think I have what it takes to make it in astrobiology and Hadean/Archean geology, but the conflict with my family and my roots is ever-present.
Soon after the split with Mr. Youth Pastor, I began a new relationship with a science major who is the son of hippies. He loves me sincerely and unconditionally, and he thinks much like I do. Unlike my own family, I can be honest and open with his family; I can let down my guard and be myself. I can open a beer with his mom and talk politics, science, clothes, music, or whatever. Moreover, this guy respects me, something I have found to be very rare in young men. When I move again in the summer, I want him to move in with me, something my parents have made it very clear is utterly impermissible. When I was very young and a close relative "came out of the closet" about her sexual orientation, my parents prohibited her from seeing me except on major holidays. I fear that, if they find out I'm "living in sin," they will distance me from my siblings, who are still minors. Yet, he will not marry me before he lives with me and before he establishes his own scientific career, and I, frankly, have no desire for a wedding at this stage.
At the same time as all this inner turmoil, my Facebook homepage is littered with photos of my exes and my acquaintances with fuzzy little puppies, or wearing big ol' diamond rings, or walking down the aisle in white, or showing off their new apartments and rental homes, or, worst of all, ultrasounds and baby pictures of their newest additions. Honest to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, seeing all this (and knowing all my cousins were engaged by the time they were my age) makes me feel like a bit of a failure in my tiny apartment that won't even let me have a cat. With no immediate prospect of a spouse and no church attendance for the past year and a half, I wonder if my parents think me a heathen too. Sometimes I do.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)