Brainwashing 101

Far-right wing, young-Earth creationist Christians in the Midwest seem plagued by the problem of their adolescents and young adults leaving the faith. Churches create youth groups and young adult Sunday school classes to try to correct this problem, to little avail. Some churches are even fortunate enough to be affiliated with parochial K-12 schools, yet some of their students ultimately become secular, rejecting religion. Many congregations sponsor and promote *very expensive* private colleges, which are affiliated with their own particular flavor of Christianity, yet their graduates still abandon Christianity. Clearly, Christians are failing to indoctrinate their children. 

So what is happening? Is it sex? Is it evolution? Is it alcohol, parties, or secular music? What is luring their offspring from the faith of fathers into the category of the "none"s in droves? As a "none" myself, who is a product of great Christian parents, I can tell you exactly what they should have done. I am proposing a multi-step method for the religiously fanatical to prevent their children from leaving the faith and going to hell, as outlined below:

• Never ever send you child to a public school, from preschool until they have completed their bachelor's degree. Why? 
• Public schools teach students how to think for themselves, rather than to blindly believe any absurd myth they are told. In fact, math, science, and rhetoric are powerful tools in assessing claims. As you don't want your child to turn a critical eye to their own religious beliefs, it's best that they simply don't learn the scientific method, logically fallacies, probability, statistics, etc. 
• Public schools are likely to encourage students to read. As a conservative parent, you definitely don't want that!!!
•  What if they read their public school science textbook? In so doing, they may discover the bulk evidence from literally every field of science in support of evolution, the Big Bang, the 17-billion year old universe, and 4.6-billion year old planet on which they live. That public school science textbook may also have (heaven forbid!) diagrams of human anatomy, including images of those breasts and genitals which you have tried so hard to prevent that child from seeing until their wedding night. 
• What if they read their public school history book? They may learn that the agricultural age began before the alleged creation of the world. They may learn that many other religions claim to be "the one and only way," and realize their Christian faith is an accident of birth. And what if they get their hands on US government texts? They may learn that the US Constitution contains the First Amendment, clearly prohibiting state-sponsored prayer in public schools and the making of laws based on personal religious beliefs. They might also learn that minority rights are protected under Constitutional law. All of the sudden, your child might be saying things like, "Even though I know God says gay marriage/abortion/stem cell research/teaching evolution/etc. is wrong for me to do or support personally, it might be okay to make it legal because God is not a good reason to make something illegal for everyone." What if your child reads about Brown vs. Board of Education, the Snopes "Monkey Trial," or Loving vs. Virginia, and realize that the same arguments used against same-sex marriage and for Intelligent Design are the exact same arguments used to justify racial segregation, interracial marriage, or blatant promotion of monotheistic faith in the science classroom. They may begin to realize that you, the parent, are on the wrong side of history. Before you know it, they will be an atheist liberal.
• What if they read classic literature? the heroes and antiheroes of literature break the Ten Commandments in graphic detail. Not only will the reader encounter disobedience of parents, premartial sex, adultery, abortion, murder, incest, profanity, alcohol and drug usage, and idolatry, but they may also may encounter philosophies very different from the one in which they were raised. Be careful: your child might decide they prefer Ayn Rand's secular philosophy over C.S. Lewis' overtly Christian one. Perhaps a book-burning is in order?
• Other students in the public school may have been raised in different faiths, or no faith at all. These other students may expose your child to new ideas (even something as small as the idea of the metaphorical interpretation of the Bible in place of a literal one). But, even if these friends do not try to convert your child, the fact that they have a different belief system and lifestyle may "rub off" on your child. What if they make an LGBT friend? Studies show that people who know an LGBT person are much more likely to support marriage equality and fair treatment for LGBT persons in schools and the workplace. Likewise, if they meet an atheist, a Democrat, a Druid, etc. and find out they are good, moral people, they are more likely to be open to that person's views and opinions. It's best that you make sure your child can't meet anyone of a differing opinion until you have them so brainwashed that they cannot listen to reason.
• Choose your child's family, friends, neighbors, and acquaintances for them. Why can't they make their own friends, you ask? Even though insular environment of a parochial school or home school situation allows you to prevent exposure to independent thinking, critical reading, and exposure to "undesirable" ideas, the child may still encounter new ideas and people of differing opinions on their soccer team, at the grocery store, or at the family reunion. It's best if you just prohibit your brother Adam and his husband Steve from meeting your child, starting the day your child is born. Your family should move out to the middle of nowhere, so you can't have any neighbor children at all to worry about your child befriending. Always leave your child at home with a Christian babysitter whenever you have to run errands that might involve meeting people. Only allow your child to befriend and to play with other children raised in your particular sect of Christianity. It's best if you always accompany all play dates and never allow sleep overs, just in case your child's church friend has any connection or communication with the outside world, and might expose your child to the world by proxy. 
• Never allow your teen to date until marriage. After all, teenagers and young adults are programmed to pursue intimacy, to experiment sexually, and to rebel against parents. It's best if they don't meet or talk to another non-relative teen of the opposite sex ever. You ask, if they never meet a member of the opposite sex, how then can they find a mate? Very simple: select a mate for them, and then force your child to marry at the appointed time without having even met their spouse. All that a healthy marriage requires is a man, a woman, and a shared belief in God, right? It's not as though numerous CDC studies on marriage and divorce have found that sex, money, children, ages of the spouses, and personality differences significantly effect the stability of marriages. 
• Make your adult child live at home, at least until marriage, so you can continue to abusively micromanage them. Do not allow them to go off to college, even if it claims to be a Christian school of your sect. Giving young adults any independence whatsoever is likely to encourage them to read, watch television, listen to non-religious music, try a drink at age 21, and meet people, including of the opposite sex. If there is not a university of your faith within daily commuting distance, and you are not willing or able to move to college with them, you should probably ruin their financial future in this life by prohibiting continuing education of any kind. After all, better for your child to be broke, lonely, and psychologically tortured than to spend eternity burning in hell!

I hope my seething satire has made my point clear. It is extremely abusive and expensive, and most likely impossible, to insulate children from ideas opposing the young-Earth creationist, conservative, fundamentalist Christian belief system. A child must "live in this world," even if they are "not of this world."

As such, Christianity must instead present substantial logical arguments, persuasive evidence, and/or convincing personal experiences in order to keep its children. As I found a lack of consistent persuasive arguments, of any evidence for scientific or historical Biblical claims, and I never had a convincing personal "spiritual" experience, it is no wonder I have renounced the faith. Just like innumerable other children of Evangelical, fundamental faiths, I am a "none."